So there’s my sweet awkward face and that guy behind me, that is my husband Matt. I thought I out to introduce him to y’all because there will be many-a-post about this man. We’ve been married for a little over five years, so we are still babies when it comes to being married. And we got married about a year after we first met, and about 8 months after we started dating, and I was 12 weeks pregnant when we got married and our kids our 18 months apart. So there actually hasn’t been a lot of time for me to figure out #wifelife. It’s been mixed in with pregnant life, mom life, crazy town life, NICU mom life, business owner life, yadda yadda. There have been several times in our marriage where we lost ourselves and our connection to each other, and things got rough (like, really rough), and we weren’t sure we could save or fix our marriage. But, by God’s grace we did! There will be much more to share about our trials, but suffice to to say that God works miracles in marriages. Here are some thoughts on what it takes to have a good #wifelife.
HONESTY. Hey, not surprising, right? I’m surprised at how many couples just aren’t honest with their significant others. They toe around certain issues, they hold in and try to hide their feelings. That aren’t honest about their needs. All this does is harbor resentment and that eats away at every relationship. If you’re afraid of being honest, then be honest with them about that. A lot of the time, they literally have no idea what is really going on in your noggin. And a lot of the time it isn’t selfishness or thoughtlessness on their part, they just don’t know. And if they don’t know, they cant act.
BREAK THE CONTEMPT CYCLE. A lovely friend taught me about this and I will be forever grateful. The contempt cycle is pretty much the whole “keeping score” thing. Well, I did that and you didn’t do that. Well, you did this so I had to do that. You know what I’m talking about. My husband likes to play video games on the computer. He is also not keen on time. Like, he says he’ll do something, and my time frame is x, but his time frame is y, and when it’s not done by x I get really mad and feel like he lied to me. But he’s like, I just haven’t done it yet. I was always silently thinking that he was wasting valuable time doing what I considered NOTHING, while I was over here working so hard. Except, if I was honest with myself, I had down time too. I just see no value in video games. But he does. Or this ridiculous show on the internet where he watches other people play D&D?! It’s called Critical Roll. So weird. But HEY, it makes him happy. I do things that make me happy that are probably a waste of time in his eyes. Like, spending hours on Marco Polo chatting with my friends. (My absolute fave app btw!!) I talked with him about it and we both decided to do our best to stop it. It’s a cycle so it has to be broken. It’s tough but worth it. We started focusing on appreciating the things that we were doing, versus focusing on what the other wasn’t doing. Contempt cycle–BROKEN. (Mostly, because we are honest here).
GET TO KNOW AND LOVE YOURSELF. If you don’t know who you are, you don’t even know what you want from your partner. So you can’t tell them. There’s not much more to say about that. If you don’t love yourself, well, then that’s another blog post and the old adage about having to love yourself before you can love someone else well, it’s true. If you’re full of love for yourself it will spill over into loving your spouse. This is a two-way street though. I mean, all of these are. For real change. But you can start it, and if your partner sees you being different, they will probably be more likely to change themselves. Don’t wait for them to change. It’s on you. Also, no one will ever complete you. That is a lie. If you expect that, you’ll forever be disappointed.
MAKE THE TIME. Making the time to literally focus on your marriage is vital. Look at yo man. Remember why you fell in love. OMG this sounds so cheeseball. Whatever, cheeseball is okay sometimes. Do things together. And binge watching Netflix while you’re both on your phones doesn’t count, just FYI. If you need therapy, because we did, then you need to make the time to do that consistently. Take an interest in something your partner is interested in. Even if it’s something like Critical Roll. :: eye roll :: But that photo right there, that was him, taking time to do a Facebook live with me for the first time after over a year of me running my business. And as silly as it was, it meant the world to me. And as silly as it is, it means a lot to him when I play board games with him, ooooooor listen to him talk about politics. Mehhhhh.
ACKNOWLEDGE THAT YOU NEED HELP. Get a therapist. Read some books. Don’t just be roommates for years that occasionally have sex. Don’t just co-parent. That’s miserable (I know from first hand experience), and the likelihood of the marriage lasting the test of time is very small.
I’m still brand new to #wifelife, but that’s what I’ve gleaned so far. Hope it helps. 🙂